Its My Day to be the Goober

Today has been hard.  Ngl, you missing our breakfast date was disappointing.  Then Alex sent me a text just stating that my team didn't support me, without any follow up.  Then you telling me (again) that you need more time away from me.  I'm starting dinner, and crying. I'm terrified of the future.  If I lose my job, I don't have a back up.   I'm worried you won't help with the realty any longer, and I'll have to move home, and get rid of the cats.  I'm scared that you won't be around when I need you.  I'm worried about bulls and being able to support myself.   I know that it's all going to work out in one way or another, but I think it isn't going to be the way I want, and so I'm sad.  98"x25 I also know that putting my wants on you isn't fair, and mean what I told you:  go do you,  and we'll see where we end up.  So, for the first time, I guess I'm keeping things from you,  because I don't want to influen...

So I slept restlessly.  I kept waking up worried about my exam.   Which I did not pass.  I can retake it Friday.  I mostly missed questions where they asked me to identify the code numbers.  Easy fix to study.   I can try three times before I have to retake the course vs study at my own pace.  I think I'll be fine.  *** This afternoon was nice.  Felt good to clear some of the issues in my head. I feel a thousand times better.   I'm at work.  Still no truck.  Only half a team.  Gonna be a great night.   Fuck this.  Just found out I'm closing MOD.  Like, could no one have texted me?  Ugh.   Truck here at 9. Perfect.  🤮 God.  The moon is gorgeous Wild night.  I'm ready to run away.   You should be getting on a plane right about now.   I hope you enjoy your time with your family,  and you find a little...

I took a couple of sleeping pills at bed, and slept until four with no dreams.  I'm still a little groggy.   Kristi wants me to go to the blues festival, but I don't have it in me.  It's too hot.  I'm too tired. I told her I'd go over after they got back.   I thought about pulling my bed to the living room.   Just because.  But with the couch broken I think it would be more trouble than it's worth.   Alright.   It's 7.  I'm going to start drinking.   Just off the phone with 2ds best friend, Kimmie.  I needed her pragmatism and kindness.  The wholesome love of a mother figure.  **** So I guess I'm rolling the whole weekend into one post.   Last night was good.  I'm sorry I couldn't stay.  I just don't want to mess things up with Caro.    Confession time: I hadn't touched myself since the break.  I just don't feel sexual right now.  It felt good to he...

It's Friday.   I'm ready for you to come home.  I dreamt dj sent me a package. It was a battleship game. Some weird jewelry,  and cryptic notes that I kept reading , looking for clues as to what's going on.  I was disappointed there wasn't any clear communication from you,  but relieved that you were trying. I miss you.  Do you remember the time you read poetry,  and I helped you interpret it? I don't want to cook tonight. I'm not sure I'm going to like the dinner tonight. But I didn't cry while cooking.  You def wouldn't like it....the cilantro couldn't be omitted.    Here are the benefits I've found this week of semisingle life: *I quit shaving *I sleep.  A lot.   That's the list.  *** I'm at work. Two trucks, four callouts.  I'm so tired.  Like physically spent.  I just want hugs and snuggles and quiet time with you and the babies. I guess I can do part of that tomorrow....

I woke up on time today.   I was all prepared to get stuff done.   But the power was out, so i went back to sleep. It's back on now that I slept two more hours,  but the motivation is lost.   I'm not positive, but I think you're in North Carolina.  I hope that it's productive and healing for you.  I hope you get what you need to move forward.   I still need to teach baddan to make coffee.   And do dishes.  And Stevie to do the laundry. Cyndi can run the vacuum.  It's about time they start pulling thier weight.  I found a new documentary about Bundy, and I wish I could share it with DJ.  It's told from the lawyers pov, which I'd never heard.   Put dishes away, started laundry, took the trash out, and got a little done on the real estate course. I joined the Tom Green Democratic Party.   I guess I did a little more than I thought I'd get accomplished.  *** At work....

So after the gym,  I went to Kristis house.  We had burritos and she made me watch a break up movie.   It was cute.  I cried.   Not really what i needed in my head before sleep.   My confidence is a little more shaken than it was earlier.   I think part of why I haven't told anyone is because I'm embarrassed.   And also I dont want them to think weird of you.  Which is strange,  because I don't think there's anything to be embarrassed about,  or to change people's opinions of you.  But those holdovers from previous relationships can be hard. You know that.   Okay.  No more selfpity and wallowing.  That's not why I started this.  I way overslept, so not a lot of time for chores. Darn.  We started this last Friday, but I haven't seen you since last Tuesday, so I guess that's something.  When you come home, I don't want to do this again.  I started my bio...

I woke up today telling myself that I'm done being depressed and I need to move forward, so when you show up I'm someone worth your time. Instead I'm crying because Kristi wants to go to acl and I can't afford it.   Yay progress.   I slept through my alarm today,  which I very much needed.   I don't even feel like I wasted time,  which is my normal guilty feeling when I overslept.  I want to text you so badly.  Hear your voice.  Hold your hand.   I ordered my Carolina Blue polish.  I will wear it until you come home.   I'm thinking about turning the room you were going to rent into a home office for my knitting shop.  I may have Kristi come help me.  Day two of no chores.  The house legitimately isn't fit for rabid squirrels.   But I don't have the energy for anything.   The couch is broken, broken. We'll need to replace it when you come home.  The back leg now isn't a...

It's so hard not messaging you first thing.   Or listening for starwars in the living room.   I keep telling the girls it's just us for a little while.   That we need to be strong for you.  They don't care.  Remember when we talked about moving into your old house?? Man. That would be a disaster right now.   Matty told me last night to take a leave of absence and come live with him until you got back.  Which was sweet, but terrible advice.  I'm starting dinner, and I just keep crying.  I have to cook, because I have to eat, but I don't want to.  I don't want to do this without you. This was our moment in the busy weeks.  This is when we talked to each other and worked our life problems out. Offered support and ideas. Gave hugs.  Made terrible jokes.   Fuck.  I wonder if I'm on your mind as much you are on mine. I like to believe I am, at least for now.   I feel selfish, being this sa...

One day down.  The longest we've been prior to this is three days.    Part of me wants to just lay in bed here forever.   But I miss my cats.   *** Made it home about 1115pm.  Had a lot of time to think.   The car ride home was terrifying that late.   Deer everywhere.   Couldn't really see on the fm roads.   And I actually wet my pants, when a deer jumped in front of me.   So there's that.  I realize today,  that I'm going to be okay during this time.   But I'm stressed and worried that you're going to decide you don't want me.   I'm going to lose my job,  and have to move home,  and lose everything.   I know it's catastrophising but I can't help it right now.  Ngl, the line I hit when I got home probably didn't help the anxiety,  but you know I have terrible coping skills.   Excuses.   But yeah. I'm glad you took the p...

I'm awake and unhappy.  My head hurts.  I don't want to pack and drive to mom's.   I hate my hair.   I packed all my lingerie and toys into a spare suitcase.  Jesus we had amassed a lot in this last year.  I'm saving then in case I'm not really thin when we meet again.   I'm exhausted.   I just want to sleep.  Ironic since I couldn't sleep today, but it is what it is.  I keep hearing little noises in the house, and thinking you've stopped by, until I remember.  And then I cry.   Just realized I forgot to put the trash bins out yesterday.  Fuck.  I want to text you and tell you not to get rid of my things i literally just left over there last weekend.   But it doesn't really matter, I guess.    You and I were supposed to take pictures together this weekend.  Why does everything hurt so bad?  What a stupid thing to cry over. ...

 So it's 0619, and I've been home long enough to change,  pour a beer (one of the one from our Abilene trip), and start this.   Normally I would've texted you,  but I can't.   No contact,  for the sake of your kids.   So you can have Caroline. So they can have a better life without the abuse of their grandmother. It hurts,  though.   Breaking routine.   Not having that person to share with.   So on this first day,  I thought I'd start a diary,  where I'd tell you all the things that normally I'd text,  or tuck away for when I made you dinner.   And maybe one day I'll be able to be in your life again.  I'm still scared that you'll never find resolution.  I still have trust issues.  I still think you'll realize that you don't need me.   But moving on,  trying not to dwell... I started my real estate classes.   They're harder than I thought....