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the known unknown

One day down.  The longest we've been prior to this is three days.   

Part of me wants to just lay in bed here forever.   But I miss my cats.  

***
Made it home about 1115pm.  Had a lot of time to think.  

The car ride home was terrifying that late.   Deer everywhere.   Couldn't really see on the fm roads.   And I actually wet my pants, when a deer jumped in front of me.   So there's that. 

I realize today,  that I'm going to be okay during this time.   But I'm stressed and worried that you're going to decide you don't want me.   I'm going to lose my job,  and have to move home,  and lose everything.  

I know it's catastrophising but I can't help it right now. 

Ngl, the line I hit when I got home probably didn't help the anxiety,  but you know I have terrible coping skills.  

Excuses.   But yeah.

I'm glad you took the pearl bracelet.   When I put my pirate ring on,  I feel like we're closer.   I'm a little bummed that we didn't have time to find actual gifts to exchange as a promise,  but I'm looking at the reality classes as sort of a guarantee of a future.   And trying not to let all my past disappointments color your promises.  

Thank you,  for the sweet note you sent my mom.  She loves you so much.  She was so proud of her message,  and kept showing gigi how kind you were to think of her while you're in a hard spot.  I appreciate that you did that.  

I'm still sad that I missed Kaylee in her prom dress .   I hope next year I get to be a part of that in some way.  

I haven't checked to see if you've taken me off Hulu and Disney,  etc but I noticed you did shut messenger down and I'm proud of you.  

Levi is looking at apartments in Stephenville.   Him and Maggie are struggling,  and he needs a place outside of Braeden's parents' farm.   He's moved most of his things back to mom's,  and he sounds better than I've heard in a few months.  

I'm considering buying the carolina blue, and wearing it until you come home. 

I'm out of beer, and out of money.   Gonna hit the vodka.   

I don't know if I'll ever share this blog with you.   It's so depressing right now,  and that wasn't my intent.   I really just wanted a place to share , since I can't right now.  

And on that note

I guess I'm going to clean house a bit.  I'll write more tomorrow.  

Day 2 (still) of 90 something. 

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