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breaking habits

It's so hard not messaging you first thing.   Or listening for starwars in the living room.  

I keep telling the girls it's just us for a little while.   That we need to be strong for you.  They don't care. 

Remember when we talked about moving into your old house?? Man. That would be a disaster right now.  

Matty told me last night to take a leave of absence and come live with him until you got back.  Which was sweet, but terrible advice. 

I'm starting dinner, and I just keep crying.  I have to cook, because I have to eat, but I don't want to.  I don't want to do this without you. This was our moment in the busy weeks.  This is when we talked to each other and worked our life problems out. Offered support and ideas. Gave hugs.  Made terrible jokes.  

Fuck. 

I wonder if I'm on your mind as much you are on mine. I like to believe I am, at least for now.  

I feel selfish, being this sad.  I know all of this is for the greater good.  But it hurts. 

I just want to sleep for the next three months and wake up when this is done.  I know you want me to go live my life,  but I don't have the energy. Right now I'm just struggling to stay employed.  To stay motivated.  What's the reason for doing all this if I don't have someone to share it with?

Catastrophising again.  I know.  I just can't seem to distract myself enough to quit. Mostly because everything reminds me of us and our future.  I keep replaying our last conversations,  and you said all the right things. But you also kept telling me you'd understand if I moved on.  I just wanted to hear you say you wanted me to wait for you.  You'd say it's not fair to ask me, but knowing that you wanted me to stay is all I need.  And I'm not sure you do. 

I know that's not wholly fair.  You always come back.  I know you love me.  We've done this before, but we always had work around.  

This time feels absolute. 

Maple chili chicken with sweet potato mash

Just off the phone with Cheryl.  I love/hate that all my old dhs call me instead of thier new asms.  It's nice that I've built that relationship,  but it sucks that I'm taking care of other people's things

40 minutes until I leave for work.  Normally you and I would be having a last cigarette, or phone call.  Today I guess I'll knock a module out for real estate.  

At work. Truck isn't here yet.  I'm sure that will be discounted if we don't finish. 

I hate everything about this.  I hate the work. I hate the schedule.  I hate my peers.  I've got to refocus and double down on getting out.  

825.  Just starting unload.  Me and two guys.  

Okay. Super rough night.   I don't know how to fix it.  Which then means I obsess over it until I make it worse. 

But I did finally have a good laugh when Squid told me he was going to get Dan the internet so they could start an OnlyDans page which will just be cat videos. 

1.5 more hours of work.  Then, hopefully,  sleep. 

I'm home.   Forgot to get beer. 

Day 3 of 90

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