So it's 0619, and I've been home long enough to change, pour a beer (one of the one from our Abilene trip), and start this.
Normally I would've texted you, but I can't. No contact, for the sake of your kids. So you can have Caroline. So they can have a better life without the abuse of their grandmother.
It hurts, though. Breaking routine. Not having that person to share with.
So on this first day, I thought I'd start a diary, where I'd tell you all the things that normally I'd text, or tuck away for when I made you dinner.
And maybe one day I'll be able to be in your life again. I'm still scared that you'll never find resolution. I still have trust issues. I still think you'll realize that you don't need me.
But moving on, trying not to dwell...
I started my real estate classes. They're harder than I thought. So many financial things. Laws. But maybe I'm just tired.
Hold on. Dan just spilled beer in my underwear drawer
Okay. Back.
I'm so stressed that I'm numb. I can't figure out if work is looking for a reason to fire me, or if I'm actually failing. The new guy last night took time away from my night, and I'm terrified I'll be in trouble again. I can't fix it, because the issues are out of my control. And I still equate my self worth with being successful at my job.
Told mom about the real estate. She thinks it could be a great part time job. It's a start.
I accidently ran a red light on the way home. I'm exhausted. But that's the only benefit to our hiatus...I can sleep my depression away. I don't have to wake in case you stop by, or to catch those few minutes of chat. I can just wallow in bed all day. Bright side, I guess.
The emptiness of our distance is heavy, though. It already cloaks me, like a death shroud. I want to wrap myself in the loneliness and suffocate the pain until I just don't feel anything. Damn your wife for being such a cunt and putting us all through this.
Part of the issue is that everything reminds me of you and our future. Which will be less sharp with time. Only 90ish days left.
I still have access to Hulu. Probably not after today.
Dan is singing his songs, Stevie is hiding, and Cyndi is judging us all. I love them so much.
I cut all my hair off and I can't quit crying. I don't know what possessed me.
I need to sleep, so I can travel to mom today. She can feed me, and do mom things while I try not to hemorrhage.
I already miss you, and it's not even been half a day. I'm trying to be strong, and trust the process.
Just don't forget me.
Don't move on.
Don't lose the fact that you are my favorite.
Day 1 of 94
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