Today has been hard.
Ngl, you missing our breakfast date was disappointing. Then Alex sent me a text just stating that my team didn't support me, without any follow up. Then you telling me (again) that you need more time away from me.
I'm starting dinner, and crying. I'm terrified of the future. If I lose my job, I don't have a back up. I'm worried you won't help with the realty any longer, and I'll have to move home, and get rid of the cats. I'm scared that you won't be around when I need you. I'm worried about bulls and being able to support myself.
I know that it's all going to work out in one way or another, but I think it isn't going to be the way I want, and so I'm sad. 98"x25
I also know that putting my wants on you isn't fair, and mean what I told you: go do you, and we'll see where we end up. So, for the first time, I guess I'm keeping things from you, because I don't want to influence your decision to stay or go. I want it to be an honest choice you make.
I guess what my feelings boil down to are:
I don't know what I'm doing, and I thought as long as you'd be around it would be okay, and now I'm not sure you will. So I geel even more lost.
You keep telling me that I can do this without you, because I always have before, but the truth is a) I didn't do it well and b) I didn't know how very good it could be with the right person. And I don't want to do it alone any more.
And with that, I'll move onto other things.
Greek chicken salad.
Talked with mom. She told me not to quit. Wait it out. I told her I could make it til the new dm is announced before making a decision.
Gotta shower and go to the shitshow. I hope your flight is decent. Weather looked okay.
Finally talked to Taylor about everything going on. Like, everything. Work, Levi, you, money. We've never really talked like this. She told me I'm grieving the death of my career, which makes sense. She also reminded me that they love me, unconditionally, and to not lose sight of the goal, which is to be happy and peaceful. And I need to sleep. Like regularly, not all weekend. And I'm not lazy, I'm just using all my energy to get through work,
. I don't feel better, but I'm going to think about the things she said.
***
So. Still have a job. Turns out no one on the team likes me, my peers don't think I'm competent, and Alex's advice was "to make them all work together".
I don't know what to do anymore. Trying desperately not to spiral, but things are quickly becoming unraveled. I can't hold on to the threads any longer.
It's lunchtime, and now I'm mad at you. I'm mad because you let me believe that if things went south you'd be here to help me. And you aren't. I don't even know if you want to be with me, because of your weird half explanation of what we are.
I had hope for a while, and it's not completely your fault, but it is some that it's gone now. I really believed for a few weeks that I could leave this hellhole and be happy, and now I remember that I can't depend on anyone except myself.
It's not fair to blame you, because you're working out your own shit, but damn you for letting me believe in the future.
I'm still mad, but not boiling. I just needed to let the hurt flow through me. I know I can do this, without depending on anyone else. I see and recognize all the things you're doing to keep me in your life. But I still feel sick when I think about my future. Not your fault. Mine for forgetting that I can only depend on me.
Your fucking bird who can't tell time is out again. I don't know how he makes it from yours to my work, but he does.
***
I'm home. I've realized you probably shouldn't ever read this. But it's good for me to have a place to empty my head.
I'm going to bed. I feel like I'm losing you, and losing my place in the world, and losing my job. I'm hoping sleep will help, and I'll wake up refreshed and a real person again, and not this mass of swirling whatever I am, that can't settle and seems to attract the chaos around me.
I love you.
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