why can't I just relax

I took a couple of sleeping pills at bed, and slept until four with no dreams. I'm still a little groggy.

Kristi wants me to go to the blues festival, but I don't have it in me. It's too hot. I'm too tired. I told her I'd go over after they got back.

I thought about pulling my bed to the living room. Just because. But with the couch broken I think it would be more trouble than it's worth.

Alright. It's 7. I'm going to start drinking.

Just off the phone with 2ds best friend, Kimmie. I needed her pragmatism and kindness. The wholesome love of a mother figure.

****

So I guess I'm rolling the whole weekend into one post.

Last night was good. I'm sorry I couldn't stay. I just don't want to mess things up with Caro.

Confession time: I hadn't touched myself since the break. I just don't feel sexual right now.

It felt good to hear that you missed me, and you think of me. I'm a little more at peace today.

Chris and Tracey and Calvin at mom's. They're having a blast. Levi and Ronnie are enjoying it, too. I'm glad they get this time, and I don't regret not making the trip.

Okay. Gonna watch serial killer shit and pretend to clean.

In a fit of nostalgia I ordered a quesadilla salad from chili's. It is not what I remembered.

Cleaned some. Bumped some. Drank some. Watching the eclipse now, waiting for the retrograde to reverse and for some balance.

Talked with a very drunk Matty about astrology. He doesn't believe, but is fascinated by how accurate it is. I think that's fair. It's weird to me how open minded he is about some things, and so stubbornly closed minded about others.

I just got suddenly and inexplicably horny. Debating on if I should do something about it. I probably won't. Just see if it passes.

Alright. Time to sleep. First exam later today.

Love you. Miss you.

Comments

the known unknown

One day down. The longest we've been prior to this is three days. Part of me wants to just lay in bed here forever. But I miss my cats. *** Made it home about 1115pm. Had a lot of time to think. The car ride home was terrifying that late. Deer everywhere. Couldn't really see on the fm roads. And I actually wet my pants, when a deer jumped in front of me. So there's that. I realize today, that I'm going to be okay during this time. But I'm stressed and worried that you're going to decide you don't want me. I'm going to lose my job, and have to move home, and lose everything. I know it's catastrophising but I can't help it right now. Ngl, the line I hit when I got home probably didn't help the anxiety, but you know I have terrible coping skills. Excuses. But yeah. I'm glad you took the p...

whirlwind darling

So I slept restlessly. I kept waking up worried about my exam. Which I did not pass. I can retake it Friday. I mostly missed questions where they asked me to identify the code numbers. Easy fix to study. I can try three times before I have to retake the course vs study at my own pace. I think I'll be fine. *** This afternoon was nice. Felt good to clear some of the issues in my head. I feel a thousand times better. I'm at work. Still no truck. Only half a team. Gonna be a great night. Fuck this. Just found out I'm closing MOD. Like, could no one have texted me? Ugh. Truck here at 9. Perfect. 🤮 God. The moon is gorgeous Wild night. I'm ready to run away. You should be getting on a plane right about now. I hope you enjoy your time with your family, and you find a little...

It already feels like a lifetime

So it's 0619, and I've been home long enough to change, pour a beer (one of the one from our Abilene trip), and start this. Normally I would've texted you, but I can't. No contact, for the sake of your kids. So you can have Caroline. So they can have a better life without the abuse of their grandmother. It hurts, though. Breaking routine. Not having that person to share with. So on this first day, I thought I'd start a diary, where I'd tell you all the things that normally I'd text, or tuck away for when I made you dinner. And maybe one day I'll be able to be in your life again. I'm still scared that you'll never find resolution. I still have trust issues. I still think you'll realize that you don't need me. But moving on, trying not to dwell... I started my real estate classes. They're harder than I thought....

Its My Day to be the Goober

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