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don't call it a distraction

I'm awake and unhappy. 

My head hurts.  I don't want to pack and drive to mom's.   I hate my hair.  

I packed all my lingerie and toys into a spare suitcase.  Jesus we had amassed a lot in this last year.  I'm saving then in case I'm not really thin when we meet again.  

I'm exhausted.   I just want to sleep.  Ironic since I couldn't sleep today, but it is what it is. 

I keep hearing little noises in the house, and thinking you've stopped by, until I remember.  And then I cry.  

Just realized I forgot to put the trash bins out yesterday.  Fuck. 

I want to text you and tell you not to get rid of my things i literally just left over there last weekend.   But it doesn't really matter, I guess.   

You and I were supposed to take pictures together this weekend.  Why does everything hurt so bad?  What a stupid thing to cry over.  

CheeChee keeps calling.   I can't bring myself to tell her what's going on.   She also keeps calling you Jimmy.  But I don't want her to think less of you.  I don't think she'd understand.  I may be wrong,  and maybe that's an excuse so I don't have to talk about it, but whatever.  I'll have to tell her eventually. 

You better have all this worked out by Thanksgiving. 

I'm out of cigarettes.  I don't know if I want more. 

I maybe hit the top of the fridge before I got in the car,  so that should make the drive interesting. 

Stopping for gas and such.  I'll let you know when I make it to mom's.  I already miss you checking on me.  

The drive was....anxious.  I thought twice I was getting pulled over.  But I made it. 

More family here than I expected.  We've had our political fight and moving on.   Dinner was...weird.  zucchini lasagna.   

Chee sent pictures of Taryn for prom, which made me cry.  She's so beautiful.  And I hate that I'm missing Kaylee's.  I wish I could see her.   I wish I was there for when you and Roland got at OG.  I hope you both have a fantastic night.  

Rusty looks good.  He keeps biting my butt. 

I keep checking my phone,  like you're gonna break the rules.   

****
I'm drunk.  Disclaimer.

I can't believe last weekend was our last weekend.  I need one more hug,  and to sleep next to you,  and to hear you laugh at my bad jokes.  It's still so surreal, that you're gone.  Levi is showing me tictoks of cats and I laugh, then cry,  because it's not like you're busy - you're fucking gone.   You aren't here,  and you're the person I'd turn to when things get rocky and now things are falling apart and you aren't here. 

You aren't here. 

 My forever,  my love,  my heart,  my world - you aren't here. 

Day 2 of 90 something
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