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the only thing to fear is myself

I woke up on time today.   I was all prepared to get stuff done.   But the power was out, so i went back to sleep.

It's back on now that I slept two more hours,  but the motivation is lost.  

I'm not positive, but I think you're in North Carolina.  I hope that it's productive and healing for you.  I hope you get what you need to move forward.  

I still need to teach baddan to make coffee.   And do dishes.  And Stevie to do the laundry. Cyndi can run the vacuum.  It's about time they start pulling thier weight. 

I found a new documentary about Bundy, and I wish I could share it with DJ.  It's told from the lawyers pov, which I'd never heard.  


Put dishes away, started laundry, took the trash out, and got a little done on the real estate course. I joined the Tom Green Democratic Party.   I guess I did a little more than I thought I'd get accomplished. 

***
At work.  Stopped for cigarettes (I know), and the guy behind the counter told me that he really likes my new hair so that made me feel a little better. 

Took handoff from Umbridge. I don't know why she makes me feel so bad about myself.  Why I allow her demeanor to effect me in the way it does.  Why I can't find the strong, confident person I was three years ago.  Maybe I'm just not cut out to be a leader.  

The weight of missing you comes in waves, but at pretty specific times, I've noticed. When I wake, when I make dinner,  when I'm arriving to work,  between 10 and 11p, and then finally again when I get home. I know it hasn't even been a week, so I should just keep powering through, but I very much want to just go sit in the office and allow it to wash through me.  To let myself feel all the sorrow and focus on the hurt right now.  I'm dreading the weekend,  but also hoping that maybe if I can just let the sadness run instead of walling it up then I can move forward. 

I know you'll be back,  and I know that I need to be the person you left, if not better, and so I need to get through all this.  I'm going to wait it out, and I'm allowed to be sad, but I'm trying to get back on my feet, because I can't keep worrying about this when I believe it's going to work out, you know?  I have legitimate problems I should be focused on. 

In fairness,  though,  I think I would be this broken up if you went on sea tour or whatever also.  But who knows.  

Okay.  So Joseph (the one you met) just asked me if I have a hookup for shrooms or k.  And then we talked about alternate careers for us both and he wants to get his cdl and told me that I should start an onlyfans.  I would've been mad if he sounded creepy,  but it was more matter-of-fact,  like it's a skill that I should be able to exploit,  much like a cdl. 

I want to know more about the ship you were on.   I always want to ask,  but i get distracted. 

***
I'm home.   It's nearly seven.  

They're cutting hours again, and increasing work load.  I'm starting to think that it would be okay of they let me go. 

Gonna grab a beer and try and sleep.  Maybe get a tattoo today.  

I love you. 

Day 6 

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