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best laid plans

I woke up today telling myself that I'm done being depressed and I need to move forward, so when you show up I'm someone worth your time. Instead I'm crying because Kristi wants to go to acl and I can't afford it.  

Yay progress.  

I slept through my alarm today,  which I very much needed.   I don't even feel like I wasted time,  which is my normal guilty feeling when I overslept. 

I want to text you so badly.  Hear your voice.  Hold your hand.  

I ordered my Carolina Blue polish.  I will wear it until you come home.  

I'm thinking about turning the room you were going to rent into a home office for my knitting shop.  I may have Kristi come help me. 

Day two of no chores.  The house legitimately isn't fit for rabid squirrels.   But I don't have the energy for anything.  

The couch is broken, broken. We'll need to replace it when you come home.  The back leg now isn't actually attached to the couch, and the front leg is super wobbly.  It is very exciting to sit on and DanDan Noodle has figured out that he can make it shift, thus scaring me and Cyndrome.

***
I'm at work.  Alex with me again.  I can't decide if I like it or not.  On one hand, he sees the struggles.  On the other, I hate being micromanaged. 

Sherre is leaving. I may try and wait this out, depending on who takes her spot.

Jesus this storm.  I hope you and all the girls are safe. We're on lockdown. 

Made through the storm with minimal damage.  Not that matters.  Not my money. 
So 90 days is actually somewhere in August, not September.  I don't know why, but that feels better. 

I checked the court for records today.  I know it was early, but I have faith in Shawntelle. I'll look again next week, while you're in Carolina. 

I know you want to save me from the drama, but I still feel awful that I'm not able to support you.   I know what you're going through is 10 times worse than what I am.  Not because of the separation,  but because of all the other shit. I just want you to know that you're strong, and smart, and going to get through this. 

This real estate shit is hard.  Like, really hard. So many laws and legalities.  I'm about 15 hours into the 180.  This may take a little longer than initially expected. I wanted to be done about September,  but I'm thinking it may be Oct or November.  

My shoes are still wet from my jaunt in the rain earlier.  Five hours ago. 

Umbridge is the opener today.  She just complains.  And is never wrong.  And I cried again.  Luckily she just thinks it's stress from work.  I don't want to share with her about everything else. 

I've actually only told Matty.  I don't know why.  It's almost like it's not real if I don't talk about it.  
 
***

Home,  change,  Sean. 

Ngl.  You told me you wouldn't be at the gym, but still was hoping you'd be at the gym. Not disappointed,  but sort of a little sigh.  Part of waiting is hope, I guess.  

Okay.  Headed in. 

***
I'm home.   Sean kicked my ass today.  He said no more going easy.  He also told me he's gonna be a dad, and he's so excited. He's literally two weeks younger than Levi. So fucking weird.   

I realized though, while trying not to die on the rowing machine, that you kept saying everything is going to be okay, and it's because you're in control of the situation.  I keep panicking because I'm not. 

But I trust you, implicitly,  so I'm going to let you be in charge of this.  And relax, and know I'll see you again.  

I love you,  Goober.  I'm going to shower and have a beer, and try and sleep. 

Day 4 of 90ish. 

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